Marriage styles

Marriage is a special process with its powerful dialectic, which develops between the “identification-belonging” poles. The strength of such a team of two people is so great and attractive that the temptation arises to sacrifice their individualization and adopt each other, and then each spouse becomes the parent of the other, and for this, he is rewarded with the opportunity to be a team child.
The success of this complex dialectic is based on the experience of the former belonging to the family and the individualization of it. The ability to belong to a family and at the same time not to be afraid of individuation develops slowly. It can be broken - although not destroyed - at any stage, and each violation of this process then turns into a marriage problem. If the first experience of living outside the family - in college or at work - is successful, the person risks separating more and more. When, after adventures in the outside world, he returns to the warmth of the family, he becomes capable of greater closeness with his family than before. Completion of separation from the family marriage - to create a new family. But this separation is rather artificial, although it is mistakenly identified with complete individuation from the former family.
A partner must learn to belong without losing intimacy with his family. The period of courtship is needed not only to create a pair in which everyone is free to be himself. This period also implies the work of both partners in separation from their families. Then marriage ideally becomes a process in which both participants lose both the role of individuation and the role of belonging, while simultaneously achieving equality that presupposes the right to secession.
Proceeding from the idea that marriage is an organism, a couple born of two families, an expression of the aspirations of these two families to reproduce themselves, it is reasonable to assume that it has its own laws of development. But first we need to consider different types of marriages, each in its own whole, with its own face and unique style.
The first type of marriage is the result of the desire of the two families from which the spouses came to re-produce themselves, sending a scapegoat for this. Spouses are victims of this game. Each ¬ family assumes that a stranger partner, half a pair, will simply disappear, and the offspring will belong to their family. Indeed, it is not easy for parents to recognize that a young man appears and takes a child from them, and although these feelings of competition and paranoia can be hidden and almost imperceptible, I assume that they are always present as an important dynamic factor. Cultural shock between husband and wife (or boyfriend and girlfriend) is always present, as my farmer childhood is present in me. Only gradually partners realize that they are included in several triangles: his family, her family and a couple; husband, wife and his family; wife, husband and her family. Although such an adaptation is difficult, it is bearing fruit (this is proved by the example of Japan, which overcomes its cultural shock in cooperation with the United States).
The second style of marriage carries in itself what I call a contract of mutual adoption. He agrees to be her mom if she becomes his mom. Of course, everything is disguised. This means that each of them respects the other's need for “nutrition.” Often this attitude is expressed in the conversations that “it does not satisfy my needs” or “it does not satisfy my needs”. When they talk about needs, I always assume that there are not peers nearby, but different generations and, according to the invisible attitudes of this system, the one who speaks of needs is a child, and the other represents the parent.
The third style of marriage arises as a development of a mutual pseudo-psychotherapy project. He suggests that she is the right woman for him, as he will help her cope with her obsession problems. And he is the perfect man for her, as she will overcome his penchant for drinking or an unhealthy addiction to playing golf or something else. So two zealous lovers are engaged in psychotherapy, posing as parents and trying to turn a partner into a child giving in to education. Like most similar amateur projects, it ends in a dead end for both, since each is tied up with the transfer of the other. Pseudo-therapy can become a way of life, turn into psychotherapy or into a struggle of two adults for equality of relationships, in which everyone simultaneously becomes more himself and a member of a system called marriage.