Lecture
Grieving in children is a natural reaction to loss, disappointment, or traumatic events. It has its own particular features and can manifest differently depending on the child’s age and individual characteristics. Here is a general characterization of grieving in children:
Emotional reaction:
Physical reactions:
Social behavior:
Cognitive aspects:
Duration of the experience: Grief in children can be temporary, and they may gradually recover and return to ordinary life. However, the intensity and duration of grief can vary depending on the situation and the support the child receives from adults.
"A child can get through anything if only he is told the truth and is allowed to share the natural
feelings that people experience while suffering, with those close to him who love him. "We often deprive children of the chance to begin to grapple with their loss and their conceptions of death
because of our own inner prohibitions. Because it is difficult for us to understand and accept death, we often persuade ourselves that death is beyond a child’s comprehension. On the one hand, we apparently deny that children are feeling and potentially
suffering human beings, and instead we imagine that they are not developed enough to experience real grief.
On the other hand, we are afraid of the depth to which children can suffer from loss, and we want to spare or protect them from suffering.
Fig. characteristics of grief
It is better to begin preparing a child for the encounter with death long before he actually encounters it. Most children have already encountered death, whether it be a dead insect, bird, squirrel, or their own pet. These deaths, usually not as heavy for children, give children and their parents the opportunity to discuss together questions concerning death, which arise before all children, even if the child does not speak of them aloud. The child’s questions might be such as: "What is death? Why do we die? Will I die? Will you die" What happens after death?" If these questions are not explained to and discussed openly with children, they begin to frighten themselves and imagine the worst. Children should not be shielded from the process of a loved one’s dying. Removing children from a dying loved one denies them the opportunity to continue being close to that person and increases the shock when death comes. Sharing the process of dying with a loved one can be a moving and rewarding experience for both. A beloved child can bring enormous support to the dying
person. The opportunity to share death with a loved one also helps children come to know death in a natural way.
When death comes, children need to be told the truth right away, in a loving and natural manner, best of all by a parent or someone close to them. In just the same way, «sending away» children from the family or from the situation of grief
or ignoring their feelings shows disrespect for their feelings and denies their right to sorrow. Being sent away from the family looks like a terrible punishment to a child, and this only adds to the emotional pain already present. Grief is difficult for children primarily because of the fear of separation from their parents. A loss can seem to a child like a threat to survival. The absence of a parent can provoke intense anxiety in young children, since without someone who meets their physical and emotional needs their life will be in danger. Children in particular need reassurance that
they will not be left alone and that their needs will be met.
Of course, children's limited vocabulary, and their sometimes
difficulty in responding to feelings, may hinder open discussion. Although children often experience the same feelings as adults, their outward expression is often more confusing and hidden. Children's defensive reactions to loss can irritate and alarm adults. Children, for example, might say something like "Woof, woof, you're dead” or “I never loved him anyway" or burst into eerie laughter. Children may not be able to share their reactions to death in words. Sometimes it is easier for them to express themselves by telling a story or depicting their experiences in drawings. The ability to share one's feelings through stories or
drawings can be an important way for a grieving or
sorrowful child to release their emotions.
It is easy to interfere with children's grief. Sometimes children are ashamed to cry. They are also hindered by the misguided guidance of adults, who encourage them to “Be brave”, “Be a man”, "Be a good, quiet girl" or "don't be a crybaby". Children often obediently follow these instructions and suppress their own grief to their own detriment. Grief is behaviour that is learned. Both the words and the actions of adults teach a child how to accept grief, just as they teach any other life experience.
Children of all ages should be encouraged to take part in all the rituals, customs and any forms of mourning accepted in the family, if the children wish to take part in this. This is an opportunity to learn about death, as well as a time for the family to draw closer together. However, children should never be forced to join in any mourning procedures against their will. Guilt can be a particular problem for children faced with loss. Children may perceive loss very personally and blame themselves for previous bad behaviour, or for their ambivalent feelings towards the deceased. The loss of a parent is always complicated by the child's ambivalent attitude towards the parent. Since raising children is often associated with frustrating them, it is natural that children sometimes hate their parents and even wish them dead. If a parent dies, children may feel guilt and fear that they were the cause of the death. This feeling of guilt can be eased by understanding adults, if they convince the child that there is no fault on their part.
It is important to remember that children can express their emotions and experiences in different ways. Support from parents, caregivers and professional helpers can help children cope with grief and adapt to the new situation.
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