15. CHILDREN'S PROBLEMS

One of the main problems that arise in communicating with a child in the process of its development is child aggression . In psychology, the problem of aggression has been studied by many experts. Its development was carried out and conducted in the framework of different directions. Therefore, there are many different concepts, the developers of which offer their own methods of correcting this psychological phenomenon.

Aggression can be defined as the desire of one creature to harm another. In the animal world, it is a means of asserting its domination among its own kind, a recognition of the strength, power, and power of a particular individual. This is its biological meaning. In humans, aggression has always been evaluated as a negative phenomenon. A person should not live by making others suffer, much less experiencing pleasure from it.

Children's aggressiveness is a specific phenomenon and not at all inevitable. One way or another, psychologists distinguish 3 forms in which aggressive behavior can manifest itself:

1) aggressive actions;

2) verbal aggression;

3) aggressive thoughts, intentions that develop in two directions - on themselves and on others.

Preschoolers most often meet the first two forms (aggressive actions and verbal aggression). Parents and teachers try to punish and rehabilitate children who direct their aggression towards others, that is, fighters, bullying, ignoramus, foul language. But in practice there are other forms of manifestation of aggression.

It is undoubtedly necessary to react to the manifestation of aggression in young children, but it is possible to prevent the formation of such a character trait in them. For this there are so many different techniques and developments. But first you need to try to find the cause yourself.

In children, the choice of sources of behavioral patterns is limited; this is, first and foremost, a family that can develop an aggressive manner of behavior in a child, develop and consolidate it. Often this is caused by the psychological rejection of the child by the parents, unwillingness to participate in its development and upbringing, which the child perceives at a subconscious level and, in turn, tries to overcome using any available means, including aggression. The family also inculcates norms and rules of behavior both formally, through communication, and informally - through their own example. And the aggressive behavior of one of the parents may be perceived by the child as the norm.

Another source of behavioral patterns can be peers. Here there are two situations of aggressive behavior. The first situation is when the child realizes the advantages of aggressive behavior, the permissiveness and impunity of which can lead to the consolidation of this feeling in the subconscious. The second situation is revenge, when, through aggression, the offended person tries to punish the offender. With some contributing factors, the second model can grow into the first, that is, the offended can become an offender by understanding all the privileges of this position and feeling the possibility of securing the status of “strong” among his peers surrounding him.

The third source of an example of aggressive behavior is the so-called symbolic images - television, books, toys, the influence of which is no longer disputed.

The main problem that arises in such situations is the inability of parents to prevent aggression on the part of the child and determine its cause.

Often, for educational purposes, physical punishment is applied to the child. However, the child, following the example of the parents, begins to use force towards weaker children to achieve their own goals. And if you do not stop it at the very beginning, he can continue to use force to achieve his goals.

However, the opposite of physical punishment is the excessive spoiling of a child who is allowed everything, and along with such feelings as intolerance, selfishness and permissiveness, aggression appears, in this case directed both at the weaker child and at the parents.

But can every child be called aggressive? There are a number of indicators of child aggression:

1) in most situations, emotions are not controlled;

2) all emotions are weakly shown, except anger;

3) is not responsible for their actions, the propensity to blame others for their mistakes;

4) hypertrophied self-esteem;

5) a sharp reaction to a negative assessment of their actions;

6) physical threats, verbal threats to others;

7) cruelty to animals;

8) deliberate disobedience;

9) excessive envy and jealousy.

Baby tears are a common occurrence. This is a peculiar language, learned by the child in infancy and successfully used at a later age. But even such a familiar phenomenon as tears becomes a problem for parents and those around them. Crying only complements the arsenal of human means of communication, making it more diverse, flexible and versatile. Another thing is that not everyone has his tricks available, since they are difficult to understand and correctly interpret. It was then that the first results of an unsuccessful interaction with adults are complemented and distorted by hints of resentment, disappointment, and a desire to strengthen the evoked reaction.

Reactions of a child at a crisis age are sometimes detected with very great force and sharpness, especially with improper upbringing. Usually, a child who is denied anything or not understood, discovers a sharp increase in affect, often ending with the child lying down on the floor, starts frantically screaming, refuses to walk, kicks on the floor, but neither loss of consciousness, nor enuresis, nor There are no other signs of epileptic seizures. This is only a tendency (which makes the reaction hypobulic), sometimes directed against known prohibitions, refusals, etc., and expressed, as it is usually described, in some regression of behavior; the child seems to be returning to an earlier period (when he throws himself on the floor, flounders, refuses to walk, etc.), but he uses this, of course, in a completely different way.

Any person cries when he feels bad, when something greatly upsets him, tears are an outward manifestation of the disorder. It is often difficult for an adult to hold back tears, and the child doesn’t even have the motivation to contain them, not to mention the possibility. Children do not know that their sufferings and experiences must be hidden, on the contrary, they very often cry out too loudly in order to attract the attention of parents to their grief and make them feel pity and compassion. And it is qualitatively not right to demand from the child to stop crying, because there are reasons for this, and the child expects from you help, pity and love, and not screams and even more punishments. It is necessary to explain to the child that everything can be corrected, to switch his attention to another object, and most importantly, first of all, speak tenderly.

Children's crying has many shades and meanings: they give out crying-scare, crying-offense, crying-pain, crying-desire, crying-grief, crying - a way to attract attention, crying displeasure, crying-whim, crying-manipulation, crying is a requirement freedom, crying discomfort, crying incomprehensibility by others, crying disappointment, crying failure to achieve the desired, crying - the realization of the impossibility of something, etc.

Each of these reasons for a child is a very important aspect of life - a toy fell, hurt, broke, did not go for a walk - for him this is irreparable and in his eyes there is no way out of this situation, as he lives today: “I want today and now. " And if one of the parents finds a way out of the situation that caused tears - the toy can be repaired, the walk will go tomorrow and not just walk, but to the zoo, etc. - then the tears will subside and he will forget about them in a minute.

Only for a stranger's ear, crying is an unpleasant irritant, a kind of cacophony of sounds, from sobbing and intermittent breathing to howls and roars. Close people know how to isolate in it not only a call for help, but often a specific cause of tears. By timbre, loudness, modulation of crying, they are able to determine that the child fell and hurt himself, that he was offended unfairly, or he did not have time.

Therefore, it is very important to be able to understand what a child wants by crying, because a crying baby speaks with difficulty, if he can do it at all, and his mimicry is distorted by a general expression of suffering. If adults try to stop this process by any means, because the tears, shouts, and crying of children act on their nerves, then they risk not only increasing the distance between themselves and the child, but erecting a real wall of indifference and misunderstanding.

There are several general categories of crying from the point of view of the causes that cause them, and give options for stopping crying.

Crying-despair - when an event occurred in the child’s understanding that he cannot influence: fear (something scared him, and there is a person next to whom you can complain about), loss (lost a favorite toy), prohibition (forbidden to climb on table). In this case, it is necessary to switch the child’s attention to a completely different subject that will be interesting for him.

Crying pain - the causes of pain can be mass, but one thing when a child fell and hit - such pain passes quickly, and another thing when he fell ill and his stomach hurt, or his teeth grow - this pain will last for a long time. In the first case, you just need to gently calm the child, sit with him, tell something, just show attention to him, and the tears will pass. In the second case, it is necessary to relieve the pain as quickly as possible and, most importantly, in no case scold him, you cannot demand to stop crying, this will cause the child even more frustration, because it will also add resentment to a person who does not want to help him. In this case, you can read him a fairy tale about a fearless hero (heroine), who suffered pain (or imprisonment), and compare the child with this hero (heroine), tell him that he is just as brave and strong.

Crying offense - children, like adults, can suffer not only from physical pain, but also from loneliness, unfair treatment, indifference and much more. And crying in this case is more like sobbing. Here, too, you can apply the method of distraction, however, the child’s sense of resentment can accumulate, the task of parents to recognize signs of resentment in time and either change something in their behavior or explain to the child that there is no reason for resentment.

Crying-caprice - it is wrong to think that the crying of a child is a deliberate and well-thought-out action. He cries from the fact that he wants something very much, and this something is not given to him. He begins to get upset, because all his thoughts are occupied by the desired object, and now he is not interested in anything else, as a result of which he begins to cry, and if he doesn’t take action in time, his crying may turn into a tantrum. The only possible way out in such a situation on the part of the parents is to remove the concentration of the child on the desired object.

Crying a child up to a certain age is a natural state, because there is always something that causes him hurt, pain, fear, etc. However, there are children who cry more often and more than others. The famous Czech psychologist figuratively calls them "the vale of tears." They tear away tears for any reason, sympathizing with the characters of their favorite fairy tale or movie, seeing a dead beetle or bird, hearing loud, irritated cries, encountering difficulties or injustice, inconsolably crying, experiencing physical pain or engaging in conflicting interaction with someone.

Moms and dads of these guys are experiencing constant undiminished anxiety for them. But how to help such children?

There is no unequivocal answer and there can not be. However, it is safe to say that sensitivity and vulnerability are signs of a specific mental makeup of such children, properties of their nervous system. It is impossible to change these congenital features at will. And all the more such means of educational influence as persuasion, reproaches, punishments, ridicule will not help. Any violent measures will cause only greater tension, excitement, and this means that they will weaken the child’s nervous system even more, take away his strength and self-confidence. Even the most loving parents will not be able to protect children from all life troubles.

Therefore, the best tactic in communicating with hypersensitive children is to give them the right to remain as they are, not to show their irritability in response to their continuous

tears, roar and crying. But to be close to them, to make them feel your readiness to come to the rescue - this is very important for such children. You can try to switch the attention of the child to something else, but not abstract, but purely concrete (another kind of activity, a different social circle, give him a simple but clear substantive task). As a rule, excessively high sensitivity disappears with time. It is unlikely that someone will remain tearful, emotionally unprotected for life. When the child begins to actively develop the mechanisms of volitional regulation of his behavior (usually this happens by 10–15 years), undesirable effects will disappear by themselves, without special efforts from adults.

The best that can be advised to parents and grandparents - is patience and patience again. And do not forget that high emotional sensitivity is most closely connected with responsiveness, kindness, cordiality, readiness to help, stand up for the weak, and these are very valuable human qualities.

Therefore, strange as this call sounds, listen to the baby crying, grasp its meaning, and don’t try to interrupt it as soon as possible and dry up childish tears. Crying and tears - is the language of children's communication, so do not be deaf to him just because you have forgotten how to speak it yourself.