Lecture
Polyamory (ancient Greek πολύς is numerous and Latin amor is love) is a system of ethical views on love, allowing the possibility of multiple love relationships of one person with several people at the same time, with the consent and approval of all participants of these relations. Polyamory is also called the practice of love relationships, embodying these views in reality.
The forms of polyamory are variable and varied, and it is hardly possible to give its exact and exhaustive definition. Most supporters of polyamory hold to the view that different people may have different needs for love relationships and the condition for sexual and emotional exclusivity is not necessary for viable long-term love relationships. In particular, they recognize the natural desire of a person to have several love relationships at the same time and allow the possibility of maintaining such relationships based on trust, respect and a responsible approach, without creating ethical and emotional conflicts.
Having a love relationship, and even more so a few, is not a necessary condition for polyamory as a way of life. In different periods of his life, a polyamory devotee may be in monogamous love relationships or have no love relationships at all. In this regard, it would be more correct to speak not about the polyamorous lifestyle, but about the polyamorous world view. However, in practice, supporters of polyamory are characterized by the presence of several simultaneous love relationships with different people, and some of these relationships can be perceived by participants as long-term or permanent. The described view of polyamory is often expressed by the phrase "conscious, responsible and ethical non-monogamy."
Polyamory should not be identified with polygamy. Despite the closeness of these concepts, there are a number of significant semantic differences between them. In contrast to polygamy, which focuses on the composition and structure of family ties, polyamory focuses on love and relationships based on it. At the same time, love relationships themselves can take the form of polygamous family connections, as well as other forms that are not necessarily reduced to family forms, including forms whose hierarchy may be more complicated than the hierarchy of traditional polygamous families. In practical polyamory, an entire classification of the most common forms of multiple love relationships has developed. An essential feature of polyamoric relationships is their ability to change shape over time, become more complex or simplified, seeking to take into account the emergence of new participants in them, as well as changing roles or the departure of former participants. At the moment of the birth of polyamoric relations and in the process of their further development, participants often cannot even guess what kind of form they are destined to take and for how long.
Adherents of polyamory attach great importance to the ethical aspects of polyamorous relations and ideally seek to build their relations on the basis of love, respect, trust and loyalty. The pledge of building and maintaining functional polyamorous relations is that they consider the possibility of open, honest and full discussion by all participants of the relationship of all the issues of interest. Such discussions are an integral and essential part of the polyamorous lifestyle. They enable all parties to the relationship to share information, and jointly seek solutions that take into account the interests and needs of each. Polyamory, as a belief system, is based on the belief that such destructive and restrictive emotions, such as jealousy and possessiveness, should not define and control human relationships. Acknowledging the existence of these emotions, as naturally characteristic of many people, supporters of polyamory believe that these emotions can be learned to master, thereby getting rid of their power over themselves.
Sex is not always the primary determinant of polyamoric relationships. Such relationships often unite three or more participants seeking to have long-term relationships in which sex can be only one of the defining sides, but not necessarily their foundation.
The list below is neither an approved registry of polyamoric relations, nor a recipe for their construction. It should be treated as a set of principles and practical considerations, which are often taken as the basis of polyamorous relations, and then developed and adapted by the participants in these relations to fit their specific needs. Most forms of polyamoric relationships that occur in practice are hybrids and include elements of several schemes from the above list.
All the variety of forms of polyamoric relations can be divided into three large groups according to the degree of their “closeness”.
Group forms
See also: Swedish family
Group forms of polyamory are based on the idea of group loyalty, which is a broad interpretation of the idea of “loyalty to each other” when it applies to a whole group of people. In its most general form, the principle of “group fidelity” does not impose any restrictions on the love and sexual relations of the members of the group as long as they are limited to the framework of the group itself. At the same time, partners agree not to have love and sexual relations outside the group. Traditional monogamy is a special case of such polyamorous relations. In this case, the group consists of two people. Traditional forms of polygamy are also variations of this form of relationship: polygyny (polygamy) and polyandry (polyandry), as well as group marriage. Some groups admit the possibility of changing their composition with the consent of all members of the group. Some types of group relationships provide for the possibility of further limiting and controlling the relationships that may arise within a group. The key to sustaining such a relationship with restrictions is the acceptability of these restrictions for all members of the group.
Open forms
In this case, each of the participants in a polyamorous relationship may have multiple relationships with different people, whose circle is not limited in advance. These relationships may vary for participants in the degree of their importance, as well as in the degree of involvement. In this case, it is difficult or impossible to single out a group of participants in a polyamorous relationship, and instead it is more appropriate to talk about the set of connections of each person, with additional explanation of the hierarchical structure of these relations. Some supporters of open forms of relations prefer to classify them according to the degree of involvement in these relations, dividing relations with their lovers into “basic” and “additional” ones. Such a division is not mandatory, and many supporters of open relationships try to avoid such categorization, finding it offensive to all participants in the relationship and not grasping the essential features of their personal relationships. One example of the open form of polyamoria is open marriage.
Mixed forms
Mixed forms of relationships contain both elements of group forms and elements of open forms of polyamory. As a rule, mixed forms of polyamoria combine monogamous and polyamoric partners. Each monogamous partner maintains a monogamous relationship with exactly one person, but does not require the same from his partner, and the latter may have multiple love and sexual relationships.
Some forms of polyamoric relations are sometimes described by geometrical figures, taking into account the number of participants and the relations existing between them: a triangle, a square, and also Latin letters V, W and N.
Emblem of polyamory: infinity sign on the background of the heart
Despite the fact that a variety of symbols are used to denote polyamorism, none of them has yet acquired the ubiquitous, stable, semantic connection with this concept. Probably the most common emblem of polyamoria is the blue infinity sign (∞) against a white, red border, heart (сердца).
Ray Dillinger. Poly parrot
In the English-speaking environment it is also popular to use the image of a parrot to denote polyamory. The connection of this image with polyamory is a play on words: in English, the word polyamory is often abbreviated to poly, and Polly (Polly) is a common name for a parrot.
Flag of polyamory. Creator: Jim Evans
Chest bow with symbols of polyamory
The flag of polyamory created by Jim Evans has become widespread in the USA. The polyamory flag consists of three horizontal stripes of blue, red and black (in order from top to bottom) of colors with a Greek letter π in gold in the center of the flag. Flag colors symbolize
The golden color of the Greek letter π, the first letter of the word "polyamory", symbolizes the meaning that supporters of polyamory attach to emotional connections (compared to purely physical connections) with other people, whatever the nature of these connections - friendly or love. The chest bow, created on the basis of the polyamory flag, has the same symbolism.
The ideals listed below, of course, are far from being always achieved, but adherents of polyamory, as a rule, strive to achieve them. It should also be noted that many of these ideals are also characteristic of monogamous relationships.
In most countries there are no legal bans on the formation of multilateral unions between adults, including sexual relations, with the possible exception of restrictions on homosexual unions in some countries. However, in most Western countries, marriages that unite more than two people are prohibited. Moreover, in many countries, civil unions do not have the same legal status as an officially registered marriage. Legal differences between “formal” and civil marriages can manifest themselves in the custody of children, inheritance, making decisions related to health and life of partners, etc. In this respect, even in countries where there are no legal differences between civil and official marriages , the status of polyamoric relations currently has no legal consolidation. From a legal point of view, participants in polyamorous relations are a group of singles and married (actual or registered) couples with whom there are additional connections (“cohabitation”, “cohabitation”, “intimate relations”).
In the cultural tradition of many countries, having a love and / or sexual relationship outside of a monogamous marriage is sufficient grounds for divorce and having such a relationship is often an aggravating circumstance during a divorce. Adherence to polyamory of one of the parties in case of a divorce may give rise to a bias towards this side, and in particular, it can be used as an argument against this side when deciding on custody of children, division of property, etc.
The theory and practice of polyamory does not contradict the legislation of the Russian Federation, but polyamory as a form of family relations does not have legal recognition.
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Research on polyamory has so far been extremely limited. A comprehensive government study of society’s attitudes, behavioral patterns and relationships conducted in Finland in 1992 (age 18–75, about 50% of both sexes) showed that about 200 out of 2250 (8.9%) respondents “agree or really agree” with the statement “I could to maintain multiple sexual relationships at the same time ” and 8.2% indicated in the field“ the lifestyle that suits most ”at the current life stage could include more than one regular partner. On the other hand, when asked about other permanent contacts at the same time, about 17% indicated that they had other partners during a permanent connection (50% no, 17% yes, 33% refused to answer). [2] (PDF)
To date, there is little research on the specific needs and requirements of polyamorous clients in clinics. A notable result in this respect are the theses “Working with polyamorous clients in a clinical setting” (Joy Davidson, 2002) [1]. The text is directed to the following areas of study:
His conclusions can be summarized as follows: "In the field of sexuality and the forms of relationships, radical changes are now taking place" (including "dissatisfaction with the limitations associated with serial monogamy, that is, changing from one partner to another in the hope of a better outcome) ... so that doctors in clinics we should start with “exploring the mass of possibilities that polyamory introduces” and “reconsider the assumption of cultural origin that monogamy is the only acceptable one” and how this prejudice affects the practice of apia ... “self-study of polyamoria is necessary” ... should be aware of the “positive aspects of polyamor lifestyle” and the main problems that people involved in them face both in society and in personal relationships ... and the “reverse side” of polyamory — the existing opportunity coercion, strong destructive emotions and / or jealousy.
The report also indicates that the original forms of the relationship that the therapist “most likely sees in practice” include:
Many religions condemn sexual relations outside marriage (or outside the union playing the role of marriage). As a result, the attitude of these religions to polyamory is essentially the same as that of polygamy: some of them condemn polygamy, some support it, considering the latter a valid form of marriage. However, even in religions in which polygamy is considered permissible, it is often meant as a strictly defined form of group marriage, as a rule, polygamy. At the beginning of the XXI century polygyny is common in some Muslim countries, but is not recognized by most Christian and Jewish teachings. However, the Old Testament, which is the basis of all three major Abrahamic religions, contains many references to polygyny, such as, for example, the story of King Solomon. Neither Buddhism nor Hinduism speak directly either in support or against polygamy.
Despite the fact that most religions include the doctrine of sex and family, the clergy spoke relatively little about polyamory, apparently due to the low visibility of the latter phenomenon compared to other phenomena in human relations, such as, for example, homosexuality.
Criticism of polyamor relations is often based on statements about the quantitative and qualitative insufficiency of love in polyamory.
Например, тезис о поделенной любви, который часто используется для критики полиамории, утверждает, что когда человек делит свою любовь между несколькими людьми, каждый из них получает лишь часть вместо целого. В своей крайней форме этот тезис утверждает, что любовь не делится вовсе и по-настоящему в каждый момент времени можно любить лишь одного человека. Тезис о поделённой любви опирается на неявное предположение о том, что для любви справедлив закон сохранения : запас любви у одного человека постоянен, и уделяя её часть одному человеку, он тем самым отнимает её у другого. Иногда такой способ рассуждений называют «мальтузианским», поскольку аналогичным образом Томас Мальтус обосновывал идею о том, что рост населения приведёт к голоду на Земле.
Этот тезис подробно обсуждается в книге «Этика бл**ства» авторов Досси Истон и Кэтрин Лист. Многие сторонники полиамории, включая Истон и Лист, отвергают идею о применимости законов сохранения к любви и убеждены, что когда человек дарит свою любовь нескольким людям, её количество и качество вовсе не должно при этом страдать, по сравнению с любовью к одному человеку. Эта точка зрения выражена в афоризме Роберта Хайнлайна «Любовь не делят, её множат»: подразумевается, что новые любовные отношения могут порождать дополнительные количества любви у человека, не отнимая любви от уже имеющихся отношений. В качестве популярной аналогии в этом случае нередко используется пример с детьми: если у человека двое детей, он не начинает любить каждого из них меньше только из-за того, что есть ещё и другой.
Среди приверженцев полиамории распространена также и промежуточная точка зрения, учитывающая, что, несмотря на то, что запасы любви в одном человеке могут быть велики и их может хватать на несколько разных любовных отношений, эти отношения требуют внимания, энергии и времени, запасы которых у человека все же конечны, и с этим следует считаться, ответственно подходя к вопросу о создании новых отношений, и у каждого человека есть предел, после которого само количество любовных начинает наносить урон каждому из существующих отношений.
Другое распространённое возражение против полиамории утверждает, что тот уровень доверия и крепость связи, которые можно встретить в долговременных отношениях, могут быть достигнуты только в моногамных отношениях, поскольку это возможно лишь если партнёры уделяют друг другу все свои силы внимание и не имеют никаких посторонних связей. Многие сторонники полиамории отвергают этот взгляд, поскольку, основываясь на личном опыте, они считают, что могут достичь того же со всеми своими партнёрами. В качестве дополнительного возражения они приводят довод, что наличие дополнительных партнёров в их отношениях может подорвать доверие не в большей степени, чем наличие у них друзей, и что моногамные пары обычно не распространяют приведённое выше рассуждение на своих друзей.
Among the supporters of polyamory, the point of view is also popular that additional love relationships in polyamorous relationships only increase the total amount of love and thus the connections existing in them.
Полиаморные отношения часто воспринимаются как изначально «непрочные» и «недолговечные». Трудно судить о том, насколько эта точка зрения обоснована и насколько не является предубеждением, поскольку найти достоверные данные о длительности и успешности полиаморных отношений по сравнению с моногамными крайне непросто. Принципиальной трудностью в сборе таких данных является то, что и моногамные и полиаморные отношения могут возникать, преследуя самые разнообразные цели и у их участников могут быть разные представления о том, что такое «успешность» таких отношений, отличная, вдобавок, от представлений исследователей. Есть и другие факторы, ставящие под сомнение саму возможность получения ответа на этот вопрос. In particular:
Since sex and the manifestations of sexuality awaken serious passions in people, it is very difficult for many to remain impartial when trying to assess the degree of success of polyamorous relationships. Both supporters and opponents of the polyamorous way of life often display a tendency towards selectivity of examples and arguments (usually in support of their point of view). In particular, a person who does not approve of a certain type of relationship may unwittingly base his conclusions on the entire type of such relations on the example of unfortunate relations of this type known to him. This bias is especially noticeable when a person condemns the whole institution of marriage because the couple he knows has divorced.
Аналогичная предвзятость может проявляться и в противоположную сторону. Например, сторонний наблюдатель может заметить, что многие полиаморные отношения рано или поздно заканчиваются. Однако аналогичное замечание можно сделать и о моногамных отношениях, если принять во внимание их долю, заканчивающихся разводом, а также те из них, которые существуют только на бумаге, и учтя количество пар, живших в гражданском браке и в дальнейшем расставшихся. Точно так же, вывод об изначальной аморальности полиамории можно было бы парировать, подсчитав долю супружеских измен, а также число людей, считающих себя несчастными в браке, после чего можно использовать все эти данные для того, чтобы провозгласить моногамию аморальной, непрактичной и обречённой на неудачу.
In the absence of serious research in this area, conducted by rigorous scientific methods, one can only argue that the question of comparing the durability and success of polyamoric relations in comparison with monogamous relations still remains open.
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Interpersonal relationships
Terms: Interpersonal relationships