Using the received information about fear and surprise

Now, let's find out how you could use the information that the expression of fear gives you that appears on the face of another person. (I will not consider surprise, since for the most part we do not have questions about how to respond to the surprise of another person, unless you are dealing with the scenario discussed above, in which a person is surprised at what he should I would know. ^[146] ) I will use mostly the same situations that I described in the previous sections to emphasize how we can try differently to use information that a person is scared and information that a person is experiencing sadness or anger.
In the previous two sections, I drew attention to the danger of our having an unreasonable confidence that we know the source of the expression of emotion. Emotional expressions do not tell us what caused them; usually, but not always, we can find out from the situational context in which they appear.
In section 3, I described what I called the "Othello error." ^[147] This error occurs with us when we decide that we know the cause of the emotion, without taking into account the possibility of the existence of many other reasons. Our emotional state, our attitudes, our expectations, what we want to believe in, and even what we don’t want to believe - all of this can distort our interpretation of the expression, or, more specifically, our idea of ​​what caused emotion reflected on the face. Taking into account the situation in which the expression appeared may help to weaken these influences, but even then you will not necessarily know the reason for this expression for sure. Othello considered the situation, but it did not help him. But if you remember that expressions of emotion do not reveal their causes and that there may be causes other than that which you consider obvious, then you can avoid the error of Othello.
Let's look at the expressions shown in the pictures D, E, E, G, I, L and O (click). Each of them could be a sign of concern, but you would not know from this expression whether the threat is immediate or only approaching. Nor would you know how strong the fear felt is, since these expressions can occur when the strength of an emotion is in the low to moderate range, or when the emotion is stronger, but an attempt is made to control its expression.
Imagine that, as a boss, you are reporting bad news to your subordinate that it is not he who will receive the promotion, but someone else. If he demonstrates one of these expressions before you give him the news, it will mean that he foresees his failure. If expressions appear during or after you have given him this information, this will indicate his concern about how this news will affect his future. Although I will not suggest that you speak openly about the expression of fear you have seen on his face, yet this perceived fear may encourage you to assure your subordinate of the reliability of his future in the organization, unless his future is really threatened or raise the question of when he would like to consider his plans for the future. However, it is possible that his fear has nothing to do with his hope of receiving a promotion, but is caused by the expectation that you tell him some other unpleasant news. Perhaps he took sick leave while on vacation and was afraid that you would become aware of it; he may have overspending the funds allocated to him. Or maybe he was worried about the upcoming visit to the doctor, and he could not think about anything else. The most conservative way to respond to this situation is to ask: “Would you like to talk with me about something else given the current situation?” Or you could go further and say: “I feel we need to talk more on that. ”
Now let's mirror the situation: you are a subordinate, and your boss demonstrates an expression of concern or fear before telling you the news about your failed promotion. Is he worried about your reaction? Does he show sympathy for your position, showing that he sees how you are worried about your future? Or does he have something else that he remembered at the moment? You can’t recognize it only by the expression of his face, but when considering possible options you will at least find out that he doesn’t dismiss you, what would you say an expression of contempt (which we will look at in the next chapter) or anger at you.
If your 12-year-old daughter demonstrates such an expression when you ask her how her school day went, or your friend when you ask her how things are going, then your relationship with these people allows you to speak more frankly. You do not need to find out if their fear is a reaction to you, or if something special has happened in their lives, or what future event causes their anxiety. In such situations, I propose simply to say: “I feel that something is bothering you. Can I help you with something? ”
If a worried expression appears to your spouse when you ask her where she was this afternoon, while you unsuccessfully tried to call her by phone from your office, do not make a hasty conclusion that she was doing something reprehensible. If such a thought occurred to you, then you may be an overly suspicious person (unless your spouse’s infidelity is not well known - but then what can you be tied to?) And you might be afraid of becoming jealous. or picky for no reason. But perhaps your spouse was undergoing a medical examination, the results of which are still unknown, and she has reason to worry about the conclusion that the doctors will make. As noted earlier, the emotions themselves do not say what caused them. If the facial expression does not correspond to the situation or the words spoken, then it is reasonable to think about what is actually happening and whether you should know something about it. It would be more reasonable for you to follow my advice and ask your spouse, just as you asked your daughter if anything was bothering her.