Use of the sadness information received

Next, I want to consider the material that will allow you to more correctly understand the information about emotions provided by persons of other people and your own automatic responses. It is quite obvious what should be done when sadness is clearly manifested on someone’s face, like that of a boy from Tuzla, Betty Shirley and Eva in pictures H, I, K and F (Click). In all these pictures, people who are experiencing sadness do not try to hide it. When sadness manifests itself in extreme form, a person showing such an expression can feel this emotion on his face and expect others to learn about the feeling he is experiencing. A facial expression signals the need for consolation - sometimes for this you just put your hand on his shoulder or say a few warm words to him.
Well, if only mild symptoms appear on the face, similar to the ones you saw in Pictures A, B and L? What should you do with this information? Recall that expressions of emotions never tell you about the source of emotions, because there are many reasons why a person may experience, for example, sadness. Do not assure yourself that you know why a person is saddened. When you see a faint expression of emotion, you cannot say for sure whether a person wants you to know about his feelings, and you should not assume that you should pretend that you know his feelings. One thing is when you see weak signs of emotion, and another thing is when you see expressions of emotion on the faces of Betty Shirley or the boy from Tuzla; These two are well aware of what they feel and what is reflected on their faces, and you must respond to the manifestations of their feelings.
If the expression of emotion is subtle, then the first question is whether this expression is a symptom of incipient sadness, weak sadness, a premonition of disappointment, or is this expression a sign of a strong, but controlled sadness experienced by a person? Sometimes you can say what it is, directly at the moment it arises. If it arises at the very beginning of a conversation, then rather it is not the beginning of the coming sadness, but a presentiment of sadness — sadness imported from memory or from a previously occurring event. If an expression of sadness arises during a conversation, then it can be a symptom of a beginning sadness or a stronger, but controlled sadness. It all depends on what you are talking with your interlocutor.
Suppose that one of these weak expressions of sadness appears in your subordinate when you tell him about his prospects for receiving a promotion. It can be an expression of expected sadness, or, if the news is not very good, an expression of mild sadness, or, if the news is completely bad, an expression of controlled greater sadness. If you know what a person feels, this does not mean that you will definitely want to confirm this openly. Much depends on your relationship with this person. In addition, this information will be useful to you in determining how you will respond to this person now or later.
In some situations, interacting with people, a simple expression of regret for the disappointment they have brought may be very useful. But such an expression of regret may humiliate or even anger some people, so when dealing with them in such situations it is better not to say anything. Recognizing his disappointment or stating your regret may seem insincere or even cause anger. But if there is another opportunity for the career development of this person, your confirmation of the validity of his frustration at the same time as offering help for the next vacancy may strengthen your relationship.
Another serious question is how important the bad news you are about to report. If she really brings misfortune to this person, then a subtle hint of sadness can result from an attempt to ease the manifestations of other, much stronger feelings. If this is so, then any recognition by you of your understanding of what he feels can cause a more intense manifestation of these sad feelings. Do you want this to happen? You take from the facial expression of a person the information that he is trying to hide from you. Should you show or comment on it? Suppose now that you get the bad news from your boss and an expression of mild sadness appears on his face when he informs you that you will not get a boost. This probably means that the boss sympathizes with you, that he regrets having to tell you the bad news. What is the reason for the desire to sweeten the bitter pill: sympathy for you, disagreement with such a decision of the top management or sympathy for you after the appearance of signs of mild sadness on your face? A hint of sadness on his face will not tell you anything new, but he will let you understand that the boss is concerned about what happened, and this is worth noting. It is possible that this is a false expression of concern, but most of the muscular contractions that give the face an expression of sadness are not so easy to accomplish deliberately.
If a slight expression of sadness appeared on your friend's face when he told you about the bad news he received, you might want to go further. You might wish to express your chagrin verbally, express sympathy over his difficult situation and give him the opportunity to more fully reveal his feelings. Again, you must remember that this expression may be the result of an attempt to control or hide a greater sadness. Do you have the right to invade the privacy of your friend? Have your past relationships been sincere enough to allow him to expect encouragement and comfort from you? Would it not be better to confine ourselves to anything non-binding: “Is everything OK for you?” - and letting a friend decide for himself whether he should tell him more about his feelings?
Suppose that such an expression appears on the face of your 12-year-old daughter after you ask her how she spent today at school. As a father, you have the right, and someone would say that you simply have to know about the feelings of your child. However, entering into the time of adolescence, the child is increasingly protecting his right to the integrity of his own life, the right to decide for himself who and what to talk about. Have your relationships been close and can you spend your time questioning right now, even if your comment about her feelings causes a flood of tears? I think it's better to ask, it's better to get confirmation of what happened, than to pretend that nothing happened. But this is my relationship style, and it doesn’t have to be yours. There is a fine line between importunity and indifference, and you can, without going over it, show your concern for the person. If we are talking about a teenager, it may be wise to give him a chance to figure out what happened, just by asking, “Is everything all right?” Or “Do you need any help?”
Sadness often manifests itself at parting, when two people, worrying about each other, foresee a long separation. Most often, although not always, for most of these forms of relationships, it is appropriate to display regret at parting. Some people so poorly tolerate sad feelings that it is very difficult for them to openly confirm their presence. Other people may lose control of themselves completely when the experienced feeling of sadness requires verbal comments. If in your relationship the factor of separation played a really important role, then you probably would have understood the other person well enough to know how you should show your reactions.
These examples are intended to show that the mere presence of information about the feelings experienced by a person does not tell you anything about how you should act. It does not give you rights and does not impose on you the obligation to inform this person about what you know about his feelings. You have different options for action depending on what a person is and what kind of relationship you have with him, what are the features of the current moment and what behavior will be more comfortable for you. But the discovery of sadness, when it is still weak, will not tell you that something important is happening or has happened to a person, that this event is fraught with loss and that this person needs to be comforted. The mere appearance of the expression of sadness will not tell you whether you are suitable for the role of the comforter and whether it will be appropriate to console the person at the moment. Before turning to the next section, clean up your nerves. It is dedicated to the most dangerous emotion - anger. Do not start reading it before you calm down and feel able to measure strength with this emotion.