Using the information received about anger

Let us now find out how to use the information that can be extracted from the signs of anger described in this section. First, let me repeat what I have said before, because it is even more important to consider signs of anger than signs of sadness or grief. Facial expressions do not tell you what caused the emotion, they only say that the emotion has appeared. When you see that someone is angry, you do not know what caused the anger of this person. Causes of anger are evident in photographs of Canadian demonstrators and Maxine Kenney. But let's imagine that the person you are talking to has an expression of anger. Is this anger directed at you? Has anger caused what you have done now or in the past, or what, in the opinion of an angry person, you intend to do? Or maybe the anger is directed inward, I this person is angry at myself? Another possibility is that anger caused some third party that was mentioned in the conversation or the memory of which suddenly came to mind.
It is impossible to recognize this by expressions of emotion alone. Sometimes the cause of anger becomes clear from current circumstances, from what has been said or not said what has already happened or is likely to happen. Sometimes you may never recognize her. In itself, knowing that a person is angry is very important, because anger is the most dangerous emotion for other people. but you may not always know for sure that it is you who are the object of anger.
Some slight signs of anger (Pictures A, B, and D, press) can also be signs of confusion or concentration. There are also expressions of anger, which cannot be said for sure whether anger is weak, only beginning or controlled (pictures F, 3, I, L and M, as well as this photo).

I will come back to them later. First of all, let us focus on what you can do when you find an expression, looking at which you can say with confidence that a person is experiencing anger (as in the pictures D and E). I used the same examples that are given at the end of the previous section so that the reader can see how different the choices are when you consider anger versus sadness or grief. You will also see that a lot will depend on your relationship with the person who is angry, that is, whether you are his boss, subordinate, friend, lover, parent or child.
Most expressions of emotion last about two seconds; some of them last half a second, some up to four seconds, but their duration rarely goes beyond these limits. The duration of an expression usually depends on its strength. Therefore, long-term expressions of emotions usually signal stronger feelings than short-term expressions. However, there are exceptions. Very short, intense expressions (pictures D and E) suggest that a person hides emotions, that such concealment may be the result of a conscious effort or an unconscious suppression of feeling. A very brief expression can only say that the emotion is hidden, and not about whether a person changes the person intentionally or unconsciously. A long-term weak expression (pictures F, G, I, M, H and this picture of me) is a sign of deliberately controlled emotions. If one of these expressions were shown for half a second or second, then it would be more likely to speak of a slight feeling of anger or of just starting anger than of a more strongly controlled anger. What I say about the duration of expression and its connection with the power of emotion, regardless of whether the emotion is weak or controlled, applies not only to anger, but to all emotions.
Suppose now that you inform your subordinate that he does not receive a promotion, and this person has a brief expression of anger on his face. If his expression is the same as in the pictures of D or K, or even more powerful, then he probably knows about his anger, especially if this expression remains on the face longer than a split second. Since you reported the bad news, you are probably the object of his anger, but not necessarily. He may be angry with himself for not having done everything necessary to get a promotion. Until he speaks, you will not know whether he considers such a decision to be unjust; even when he answers you, you may still not find out if he decides that it is not in his interest to tell you about his feelings, at least at the moment. If you don’t know this person well enough, don’t assume that he took such a step back to think about whether he should keep his anger during a conversation, which I called emotional attentiveness, since for most people this ability is not innate . So what will you do?
You can ignore the manifestation of his anger and act as if it was not there at all, but at the same time carefully watch him and watch what else you are going to say and how you will do it. Most likely, you will not provoke this angry person with questions like: “Why are you angry with me?” Or “Are you unhappy?” Such questions can provoke an angry reaction from him, and this does not always correspond to your interests or the interests of this person. It cannot be said that such insults or manifestations of discontent should be ignored, but it will be easier to deal with them when the anger passes. Instead of asking: “Why are you angry with me?” - it would be better to say: “My decision could well cause you dissatisfaction, and I regret it. Tell me, can I do something else to help you? ”In this answer, you recognize his right to anger, rather than seeing the anger of a subordinate as a challenge and show your interest in helping, despite your decision.
Going back to the previous example, imagine that your teenage daughter showed the same expression when you told her that she would not be able to go to a party with her friends today, because she would have to stay at home with her little brother, because you and your wife unexpectedly invited to an important official event. Will she get angry at you for ruining her plans? Most likely, yes, but she may be angry with herself for giving this meaning. How you react to the appearance of anger with your daughter depends on your relationship with her, on your individual characteristics and her characters, on the background of your relationship. However, I am sure that there is a more compelling reason to deal with her anger, as is the case in normal work situations. This does not mean that you should comment on her anger or question her right to show her displeasure. On the contrary, you can express sympathy for the collapse of her plans and explain why this event is so important to you and how, since you were not warned in advance, you will have to prepare to participate in it. If things go this way, then her anger has done its job. He offended your attention, let you know that it was of great importance to her, and made you respond to her and explain all the circumstances. You could go ahead and tell how you compensate for her inconvenience.
Whenever you see an expression of emotion that a person does not support with words, you get that information that a person does not understand in a certain sense, for which he is not responsible. The subordinate in the first example could do everything possible to control his anger. You would not make it easier for him if you began to openly pay attention to his anger. In working conditions, you would not want to deal directly with the anger of your subordinate, especially the subordinate who did not receive a promotion. Of course, this could be a person whose promotion you still counted on, and you would be able to take advantage of yourself by turning to his feelings, but perhaps you would prefer to do this later. The next day, you could say, “I know that I have been given bad news, and I expected your disappointment. It seemed to me that you were upset, and I would like to know if it would be useful for you to talk about what happened to me. ”
Another option for your action is to tell your subordinate: “I would be happy to talk to you now or later about how you took the news.” And again, without using the word “anger”, you reduce the likelihood that your subordinates will show anger in an unacceptable form, which he himself later regrets, and at the same time give him a chance to talk about his worries later when he himself feels ready for such a conversation. If you know that your daughter belongs to a breed of people who find it difficult to cope with her anger, then you can choose this answer option, giving her the opportunity to talk with you about her problems when she wants to. Married couples may also find that they do not want to notice anger, and prefer to postpone talking about him until a later date, when the likelihood that anger will cause harsh words, angry answers or defensive behavior will decrease.
We often think that we know why someone starts to get angry with us, but our version of the reason for dissatisfaction may not coincide with the version of another person. Although the desire to avoid discussing what makes another person angry can lead to resentment, the accumulation of deferred problems, it is unlikely to address the burning question when one person or even both are in an angry state. If the question is so acute that it requires immediate resolution and cannot be postponed until calmer times, then you need to try so that both people are sure that their period of immunity is over. Otherwise, the discussion will only lead to increased anger and will not allow to figure out what the problem is and how it can be solved.
Sometimes it is useful to understand and analyze how the situation can change if the power in the examples we have considered transfers to another person. Suppose that now it is you who are the subordinate who just learned that he will not receive a promotion, and when your boss informed you about it, an expression of anger appeared on his face. Most likely, he is angry with you, but he might be angry with himself for having taken on the bad news and for someone else in your organization. But in any case, subordinates in most organizations do not have the right to comment on the anger of their superiors. The maximum that you are allowed to do after expressing disappointment is to utter a phrase like the following: “I would be glad to have the opportunity to learn from you, when you consider it convenient, about what my actions caused your displeasure or dissatisfaction with our organization.” The idea here is not to pay attention to anger, but to recognize it and show concern for receiving feedback, while helping your boss to postpone the message of this additional information until he stops experiencing anger.
All that I propose to do when you discover an expression of anger is also applicable to expressions that cannot be said for sure whether a person experiences weak, only beginning or controlled anger (pictures F, W, I). The only difference is that if you have reason to consider this anger to begin, say, seeing the tapering lips shown in the M and H pictures, then you have more reason to consider the possibility of pronouncing some words or performing some actions that can stop anger before he gets stronger.
The expression shown in picture B (eyebrows lowered and flattened) deserves a special discussion. You have seen another version of the execution of this movement with the eyebrows of a woman sitting to the left of another resident of New Guinea, who looked at me with a fierce look. Although it can be a sign of very slight anger, it can also occur in many difficult situations. If someone raises a heavy object or solves a difficult mathematical problem, then on his face one can often see closed and lowered eyebrows. This movement can be observed in the event of difficulties of almost any type. If you are talking to a person who quickly makes such a movement with his eyebrows, then this may mean that he does not fully understand where you are going, or he has to make great efforts to follow your reasoning. This can be a useful signal that you should explain the essence of what you said differently.
I cannot explain everything that needs to be taken into account when you discover an expression of anger. My examples only show that there are many possibilities here and show some reactions that you can consider. What kind of reaction will suit you will depend on who you and the other person are and on the situation. Most of my assumptions about how to respond when we notice another person’s anger are not based on irrefutable research results. I challenged the ideas that prevailed several years ago, according to which we must learn how to fight fairly, but not shy away from the struggle. My own experience suggests that this cannot be expected from most people and that this does not necessarily turn out to be the best or most reliable way to deal with any causes of anger. Motives for dissatisfaction must necessarily be considered, but, as I suggest, not in the heat of anger.