13 Etiquette in the family

What is behind the words “young family”? For some - the realization of a dream, a realized feeling, for others - the difficulty and misunderstanding of each other, disappointment, nostalgia for the unrealized happiness. For the third - work on creating their family hearth, building their relationships in working order, without much pathos, but firmly, thoroughly, forever. For many, unfortunately, a young family is a potential divorce, incompatibility and unhappy children.

A person in life should be lucky three times: from whom to be born, from whom to study and whom to marry, and he will achieve everything else himself. Including in the creation of a family. Now everyone marries and marries at their own discretion. But few people imagine their future marital duties, very few people know about the etiquette of marital relations (if at all imagines its existence). Therefore, we are waiting for advice from friends, parents, and casual acquaintances. And we do not notice that we leave politeness beyond the threshold, that being tactful with other people, we constantly put pressure on a loved one. That, smiling at work, at home, we allow ourselves to be gloomy and dissatisfied, to reproach, to demand, and not to ask. All the failures in business, business, career are poured out by domestic scandals, irritation, cavils, because it is not difficult to find the reason for discontent, leading a common life. And the best is crumbling ...

And even if we know these rules, then we are not trying to bring them to life. We are either tired or so annoyed even before coming home that we are simply not able to control ourselves. But often, speaking of happiness, we dream to be understood. And then we forget that they expect the same from us.

One of the main rules - to try to respect the interests of those who live nearby. Often, in a quarrel, we try to prove that someone is right and someone is wrong, and a lot of further experiences and tragedies stem from this. Like any debaters, spouses forget what the dispute really was about. In the process of clarifying the relationship emerge all the new grievances, facts. But it is necessary to take into account both points of view and find a compromise solution to the controversial issue.

Very often, we exercise excessive control over a spouse, forgetting that, despite cohabitation and close relationships, everyone has the right to his own thoughts and experiences, to his friends and, eventually, to the fact that from each other sometimes it would be nice to rest. Each of us sometimes wants to be alone, to wander around the city alone, but in no case do we want to allow such a desire to a close person. And we begin to ask similar questions about what, where and when. All this, of course, ends with a quarrel.

So, the means to destroy any, the warmest relationship is to constantly express disbelief to each other. No wonder they say that if you feel bad - smile and this smile will help you.

If there is no trust, you should never express this unbelief to your spouse. The Bible is ordered to forgive each other up to seventy-seven times, it is necessary to remember: either the relationship is, or there is nothing to figure out. And you should never sort things out.

Most family tragedies are not due to any particularly dramatic situations or grandiose conflicts, but due to thousands of little things that divide our lives.

One of the most terrible scourges that destroy good relations between spouses is rudeness. Recall the admonition of William Shakespeare (“Hamlet”). One of the teachings of Father Laerte says: “Do not be a familiar with people” or, more precisely: “Be simple with people, but not be familiar”.

Never be humiliated by familiarity and rude attitude towards your spouse. It does not entail the requirement to call your spouse or spouse only to “You”, it does not require you to have different bedrooms, but you must be mutually polite.

In general, this is a bad form: having experienced intimacy, consider yourself to have the right to disrespect your second half. Politeness after the wedding - a prerequisite for the normal start of family life. No man can endure a long, chronically ill-tempered wife, and especially if she is capable of an insult.

Dale Carnegie writes: “Civility for marriage is just as important as lubrication for a motor.”

The creator of the image, beloved by readers, Oliver Windell Holmes was anyone, but not an autocrat in his own house. He was so helpful and sober that, falling into a gloomy and depressed mood, he tried to hide his melancholy from other family members. He himself was hard enough from such a state, he explained, in order to make others suffer from him.

Usually, when people come home from the service, they try to take out on their household all the bad things that have accumulated all day: the boss's reprimand, the omission of a good bargain, a terrible headache, or the sluggish work of a business partner. And if there is no tradition of mutual courtesy and mutual attention from the very beginning of the honeymoon, then everything could end in a scandal.

Once a scandal, two scandal, three scandal ...

Divorce...

It is necessary to understand that a woman should be a tuning fork for setting kind and polite relations in a family. Of course, it is very difficult to tell and explain to a young woman why a normal healthy man spends eighty percent of his energy not on building and arranging family life, but on achieving professional success. Indeed, this is difficult to understand, but necessary, because it is, it will be, and it should be.

According to Dale Carnegie, Dorothy Dix believes that more than half of marriages are unsuccessful. But Dr. Paul Popenow thinks differently: “A man has a better chance of succeeding in marriage than in any other enterprise that he can undertake. Of those people who decide to engage in trade and groceries, seventy percent fail. And of those men and women who marry, seventy percent succeed. ” Dorothy, in turn, responds as follows: “Compared to marriage, birth is only an episode in our life, and death is an ordinary occurrence.”

Why are we so interested in work, career, business success, so consciously and purposefully we are fighting for the success of our business, but so rarely and so sluggish do we make at least some effort to achieve a peaceful, relaxed, happy family life.

In doing so, we act extremely unwisely, leaving to chance and circumstance three times as important, and perhaps the first, by and large, the business of our lives.

Men do not want to give themselves the trouble to understand this or that “whim” of their wife, wishing at the same time that she still remains a woman. Women rarely take the trouble to understand and forgive the excessive firmness of the decisions and actions of their husband. Nevertheless, they wish him to remain a man. It is necessary to understand that all of us are people: black and white, beautiful and not very much, men and women.

We should probably always understand that the main thing for a woman is attention and caress, the main thing for her is not that you are poor, like a church mouse, and you need to save every penny. And it’s absolutely not that you don’t have the opportunity to buy her beautiful toilets from Dior, or take her dinner to Moulin Rouge. The point is completely different. How often a few good compliments can most decisively affect not only the mood, but also the actions of the wife.

Every woman knows that in order for her beloved man to eat this poorly prepared food with pleasure, give her the last money for pins, you need to flatter him a little and forgive him for his weakness.

So, if you want to have the first major success factor in your life, then follow the rule: be mutually polite from the first days of your marriage. It must be remembered that family life must be built consciously, not letting it go under the will of circumstances and not relying entirely on providence.

People live with each other for years, overcome a lot of difficulties, solve these or other issues of marital life. One of the most important aspects of married life is the sexual side of human relationships. Very often, in average families, absolute illiteracy reigns in the field of elementary physiology of sex. But it is known that a huge percentage of divorces occur due to the sexual incompatibility of the spouses. How much trouble could have been avoided if there had been a developed culture of sexual relations in families. Here we, the Europeans, apparently, need to take an example from the Eastern peoples, from whom, like, for example, in India or China, this issue has been carefully studied for thousands of years and experience has been passed down from generation to generation.

In conclusion, we emphasize once again that if you love a person, then with him you become even more polite. Kindness is above courtesy - but kindness should not be neglected by courtesy. And this is even more important if there are children in the family. They take their cue from their parents, learn from them politeness. Their courteous treatment of strangers is a reflection of what they are used to at home. The greatest misconception is to believe that marriage exempts from the need to be polite.

All people and, above all, children learn by example, worthy of imitation. But it is often their lack of them, and many educators turn into edifying mentors. Education, which is based on orders, easily turns into a drill, which generates stubbornness. Children are expected to learn in everyday life and will do something that relates to a culture of behavior. Children must do all this voluntarily and willingly. In all cases, they must understand the meaning and purpose of a given norm of behavior and be able to recognize it as correct.

In what we want from the child, we ourselves must be an example. However, rarely adults delve into the situation and rarely represent the world in which the child lives. For him, all adults are giants and, naturally, everything is uttered abruptly, by order scares them.

Children need love and affection, they become withdrawn, mistrustful and often embittered, if their children's cares and needs are not paid attention, if instead of love and affection, instead of a heart attitude, their share is harsh and rude.

A child is like a young plant that needs the hand of a gardener and needs a lot of heat and light. Weeds appear around each plant, seeking to stifle other shoots. Weeds should be picked by an experienced gardener's hand, so that the plant does not lose the light, sun and air it needs for life. The small, along with the good ones, can also have bad instincts that are just waiting for the opportunity to flourish if the parents are inattentive to the child and are not engaged in his upbringing.

A child whose parents behave as they are demanded of him will receive a good upbringing, and parents who continually shy away from the instructions given to the child should not complain that their child behaves in the same way. It is known that bad examples are contagious.

Children are very observant, they quickly catch the difference between what parents require of them and how they lead themselves. This also applies to the way of speaking. The good language of the parents will be remembered by the child. He will naturally imitate him, since he barely knows the other. And if the parents quarrel, resorting to very harsh expressions, the child should not hear it: the authority of the parents is irretrievably lost. Likewise, careless conversations in the presence of children about acquaintances or friends can often put parents in an awkward position.

From the first years of life, children absorb the world of new impressions. Every day brings them something new. Therefore, it is clear that a reasonable order in the diversity of undigested impressions can only make an explanation of parents and adults. Some educators get rid of questioning children, answering them carelessly or even incorrectly, because the constant questions of children get on their nerves. In this case, the caregiver is irresponsible and heartless.

As already mentioned, at the table parents should set an example for children. As soon as children come out of infancy, they should be taught to eat on their own, using special children's devices. The sooner this is started, the faster and easier the children will learn to keep themselves at the table properly and at ease. And one more thing: no matter how much the guests admire your sweet three-year-old baby - his place is not at the table among the guests, but, if possible, in another room.

If there is only one child in a family, then it is usually the center around which everything revolves. One child is given everything in large families divided into several parts; all love and care concentrates on him alone, and often this little “loner” feels uncomfortable in the circle of adults who vigilantly follow him. For him it would be much more pleasant to have a children's company in which he could frolic.

When there are several children in a family, in the first years they cause a lot of worries and troubles, but then the older children help to raise the younger ones. They thus learn to be independent. Younger children in such a family will not grow spoiled.

Parents should love their children equally. Children are very sensitive; they become withdrawn and stubborn when they feel that they are treated worse than others.

In the family and among children, a polite and attentive attitude towards each other should prevail; everyone should be ready to provide the necessary assistance to each other. There is no reason for hostility among family members. And if the brother after the next “battle” flew off all the buttons, the sister can help him sew them without telling the mother. And the dignity of a brother will not suffer at all if he, in turn, cleans his sister's shoes. This is the best school of knightly behavior for the future spouse.

Small quarrels between children are commonplace. However, it should not be allowed to go to a fight and swear words. Only those who have learned to control themselves since childhood will be able to maintain composure in the future.

Adolescence is a difficult time for both parents and children: often there is a wall of misunderstanding and mistrust between them, which for some time can distance them from each other. The child rebel against petting and tenderness, becomes withdrawn and capricious - “difficult to educate”. Already only the physiological changes occurring in it, confuse him, knock him out of the rut of childhood. Such a state is often accompanied by the appearance of certain complexes. Often, young people, wanting to hide their difficulties from others, dare to adults. Unfortunately, many adults are afraid to talk with their children about the significance of this period. They do not talk with children about things of an intimate nature, thus forcing the child to stray in the dark and receive relevant information in a very dubious interpretation of people like him. Natural things are presented as something dirty and low, becoming the subject of stupid jokes. It also does not strengthen relationships with parents. The dignity of the mother or father will not suffer if they talk in a friendly tone with their children about their problems.

Often the child is faced with the problem of self-determination in a social sense. With the help of adults - parents, teachers - he finally gets confused about the question of who you consider yourself: an adult or a child. At school, he is treated like an adult; among his peers, he also feels grown up enough for adulthood. At home, he is constantly cared for, continuing to be considered a child. In this moment, parents should also carefully consider their behavior until the conflict has broken out.

When a young girl stops playing with her peers and blushes when a boy suddenly appears, some parents state with horror that their daughter has made a “friend”. Parents react differently to this: some believe that during the time of their youth, boys and girls started to be friends much later, in the 19th and 20th years, after which the wedding was immediately arranged. Others see adolescent friendships as a passing hobby and completely ignore him. Both are wrong. Anyone who wants to understand his child should not ignore this first little light of feeling.

Instead of making a tragic face at the mention of a young daughter's daughter, it is better to simply offer to invite him to visit and teach her daughter how to behave. This is the parent task.

The grandson or granddaughter, as a rule, very much love the grandmother. With admirable patience, she can tell different stories and tales, answer numerous questions for hours, and if a little girl playing with her grandmother throws sand into her, she will only laugh and threaten her granddaughter. Experience shows that it is almost impossible to wean any grandmother away from this love and indulgent attitude towards children. And yet the grandmother should think about the fact that for the sake of the children themselves do not indulge them immensely. Родителям иногда стоит большого труда и терпения исправить поведение ребенка, поскольку их старания серьезно подрываются слишком большими уступками со стороны бабушки.

Но молодые родители, которые, не скупясь, осуждают мать или тещу, не должны забывать, что в большинстве случаев именно она, если необходимо, придет им на помощь.

Общение с детьми – это особого рода искусство, имеющее свои законы и свой круг значений. Дети редко бывают наивными при обмене информацией. Их высказывания часто закодированы и требуют расшифровки.

Родителей часто расстраивают разговоры с детьми, так они часто ни к чему не приводят. Дети противятся разговору с родителями. Они не любят, когда им читают нотации, когда их поведение обсуждают или критикуют. Их раздражает, что родители слишком много говорят.

Прислушиваясь к разговору взрослых и детей, мы с удивлением отметим, что собеседники почти не слушают друг друга. Разговор больше похож на два монолога, один из которых состоит из критики и наставлений, а другой – из отрицания и жалоб.

When a child is dominated by a strong feeling, he does not listen to anyone. He is not able to take advice, neither comfort, nor constructive criticism. He wants us to understand him, to understand what is happening in him at this moment. Moreover, he wants to be understood without the need to explain his feelings in detail. It turns out something like a game: the child tells us a minimum of information, providing guessing the rest. When he tells us: “The teacher asked me a beating”, you should not find out the details. Moreover, do not ask: “For what? You probably deserved this thrashing. What did you do? ”No need to feel sorry for the child. “Poor thing!” We have to show him that we understand his confusion, pain, desire for revenge. How do we know how he feels? We look at and listen to him, and also rely on our own emotional experience. We know,what should a child feel when he gets a beating in front of everyone similar? We answer him in such a way that the child is conscious: we understand what he had to go through. Any of the following statements apply:

“Наверное, тебе было неприятно”;

“Ты, наверное, страшно разозлился”;

“Наверное, ты ненавидел учительницу в эту минуту”;

“Наверно, ты ужасно расстроился”;

“Да, у тебя был тяжелый день”.

Сильное чувство у ребенка не исчезает, когда ему говорят: “Нехорошо так злиться”, или если родители пытаются убедить его, что он “зря так реагирует”. Сильное чувство не исчезнет, если наложить на него запрет. Зато оно станет менее интенсивным и потеряет остроту, когда встретит сочувствие и понимание.

Многие родители верят, что похвала помогает ребенку приобрести уверенность в себе. На самом же деле похвалы могут привести к нервозности, плохому поведению ребенка. Why? Да потому, что чем больше он получает незаслуженных похвал, тем чаще стремится проявить свою “истинную натуру”. Родители часто рассказывают: стоит похвалить ребенка за хорошее поведение – и он как с цепи срывается, будто стремится опровергнуть похвалу.

Означает ли это, что похвала “устарела”? Not at all. Однако не стоит пользоваться ею направо и налево. Лекарства, например, назначаются больному лишь в строгом соответствии с предписаниями врача. Необходимо умело обращаться и с таким сильнодействующим “лекарством” иного рода: оценивать, хвалить поступки ребенка, а не его самого.

Похвала также бьет в глаза, как и яркое солнце, – и так же сильно слепит. Ребенку становится неловко, если его называют чудесным, милым, щедрым, скромным. Он чувствует, что должен опровергнуть эту похвалу, хотя бы частично.

А теперь о критике. Когда критика является созидательной, а когда разрушительной? Созидательная критика ограничивается тем, что указывает: что нужно сделать, целиком и полностью упуская отрицательные оценки личности ребенка.

Во многих семьях ссоры между родителями и детьми развиваются в заранее известной последовательности. Вот ребенок что-нибудь сделал или сказал не так – и отец с матерью неминуемо произносят обидные для него слова. Конечно, на них дети отвечают еще хлеще. Родители начинают кричать, угрожать – недалеко и до порки. И снова в доме будет “гроза”...

Нам внушали в детстве, что сердиться нехорошо. И со своими детьми мы стараемся быть терпеливыми. Но рано или поздно всякому терпению приходит конец, хотя мы знаем, что проявление гнева может повредить ребенку, и сдерживаем этот гнев, как ловцы жемчуга свое дыхание под водой.

В гневе мы словно теряем рассудок: мы обращаемся с детьми, как со своими врагами. Оскорбляем их, кричим и наносим удары “ниже пояса”. Когда же вспышка ярости проходит, мы осознаем свою вину и торжественно обещаем себе, что это больше не повторится. Но вскоре гнев вспыхивает снова, и наших хороших намерений и манер как не бывало: мы набрасываемся на детей.

Родители должны помнить, что гнев слишком дорого им обходится, чтобы метать громы и молнии направо и налево. Гнев не должен возрастать во время его проявления. Нужно так выражать свой гнев, чтобы родителям это приносило облегчение, ребенку – урок, но ни в коем случае не давало вредных побочных эффектов ни для той, ни для другой стороны. Потому мы не должны, например, отчитывать ребенка в присутствии его друзей. Мы, взрослые, не стремимся повторять надоевшую схему развития событий (гнев – вызов – наказание – месть) от случая к случаю. Напротив, мы хотим, чтобы грозовые тучи рассеялись как можно скорее.

Сталкиваясь с мелкими неприятностями, дети одновременно получают уроки “больших” жизненных основ. Родители должны помочь им понять разницу между простой неприятностью и трагедией или катастрофой. Часто бывает, что и сами родители реагируют на событие неадекватно. А ведь сломанные часы – это не сломанная нога; разбитое стекло – не разбитое сердце!

Трудно проводить “политику ограничений”, где результат зависит от успеха всего воспитания. Необходимо так определить запреты, чтобы ребенок четко знал: что именно нельзя, что можно вместо запретного действия.

Лучше, если запрет будет полным, а не частичным, ведь есть же разница между утверждениями: “Никогда не лей воду зря” и “Не лей воду на голову сестре”. Если вы говорите: “Побрызгай на сестричку водой, если хочешь, только немножко, чтобы не промочить ей платье”, – то ребенок в полной растерянности, у него нет четкого критерия для принятия решения.

Запрет необходимо утвердить решительно: “Этого делать нельзя – вот мое последнее слово. Говорю серьезно”. Если родители не знают, что им делать, лучше не торопиться, сесть подумать, как быть. Необдуманные и неловкие запреты являются для детей неким вызовом. Начинается борьба, из которой вряд ли кто-нибудь выйдет победителем. Запрет нужно высказать так, чтобы не задеть достоинство ребенка, не вызвать у него чувства горечи. Нельзя оскорблять ребенка, нельзя провоцировать его на бурную отрицательную реакцию. Необходимо также подавить в себе желание разом покончить со всеми подобными проблемами, без разбора.

Обратимся теперь не только к отношению родителей к детям. Даже посторонний должен проявлять вежливость к ребенку и вправе ожидать взаимности. Нельзя согласиться, что дети всегда должны уступать. К сожалению, есть еще много взрослых, которые считают, что дети могли бы и подождать. Посторонний человек должен быть для ребенка таким же примером как родители.

К ряду вопросов, касающихся вежливости относится еще один, который относится к подростку – ребенку на пороге его взрослой жизни. Как обращаться к таким весьма юным людям? Ты, или Вы? Следует отметить, что обращение на “Вы” молодые люди приняли бы значительно охотнее.

Who knows how to behave properly in the spirit of the existing rules, they say that he was well brought up in childhood. On the other hand, popular wisdom says: “What Vanyusha does not know, Ivan will not know that”. Therefore, good manners should be instilled in childhood. If this is not understood and not done, then it is possible to fill in later with great difficulty.

Quite a lot of people who only at a mature age acquired the understanding that politeness and tact in dealing with others are important qualities of successful existence in this world. However, many people remain beyond the threshold of understanding this simple truth.

In conclusion, it is necessary to emphasize that the basic principle works in any training: children are curious, they want and must acquire their own experience. And they should allow it, regardless of whether it is good or bad. Having realized the act, the child, probably, will be more likely ready to listen to parental councils.